I haven’t blogged for a while.
Life has been like a whirlwind, basically since I was born. Today, it’s 6:00am on the 20th day of February 2019 and where I’ve been doesn’t matter so much as where I choose to be right now. But here’s the changes:
I gave up teaching yoga full time because I needed Bryan’s support to to pay rent and Bryan wanted to leave Denver to pursue his dreams. Leaving Denver felt absolutely wrong to me when it came down to it. So, I shot my roots down and did what I had to do to make my stay here last longer. Why?
- Here in Denver, there are so many amazing yoga studios, yoga teachers, and yoga opportunities for growth. The yoga community here has been so much different for me than it was in Arizona in such an amazing, beautiful and trans-formative way. Walking away from this community would be like walking out of … there’s no comparison.
- Where Bryan wanted to go, there was no yoga. No teachers. No lineages of wisdom. I thought of myself as a plant. If you pull me out of nutrient-rich soil and replant me where there are no nutrients, and tons of rocky, un-tilled, dry-packed, hard soil… I’m not going to magically turn into a cactus and thrive. When you do such a thing to a plant, it withers and it dies. My fight to stay here has been completely wrapped around my passion and need for yoga. I understand that yoga is what gives me passion for living, and makes me want to stay engaged on Earth.
- I have learned to honor myself and to have compassion for myself.
- Being with Bryan is full-time work for me. Staying present, open, and loving in an intimate relationship requires so much effort on my part. I don’t want an intimate relationship that isn’t present, open, and loving. To stay present, open, and loving I need to be steeped in yoga practice and held in the presence of other yogic wisdom on a regular basis. I had serious doubts about my ability to stay in a loving place with him and our relationship if I uprooted myself from the soil I’ve grown used to.
- The mountains
- The weather
- The economic environment
- The legal marijuana (I used to smoke it daily, now only for healing rituals and very judiciously – I am sober now, in a very real way but if I do partake, it makes me feel safe and comfortable knowing I’m not breaking any laws, thank you.)
- The people-friendly policies
- All the awesome, down-to-Earth, nature-loving folks that live here.
So, the changes?
- Bryan and I are going separate ways. He left to go work on a project with his family in Washington State. I asked him to give me a few months space to get settled in to my new job – as I take on 8 hours a day of office environment, I’m going to need four hours a night of “de-fusing” – clearing my energy and engaging in practices that help me not to beat myself up and turn into (more of) a frazzled mess than I have been over the last year. Lately, when he and I are together, I am frazzled by the groundless-ness of his life choices – he quit his job, has to find another, has tons of prospects (none of which are very promising) and is going to go through some hefty stuff in trying to re-settle. He’s not one to really “settle,” either. He’s open to going to any place the opportunity arises and doesn’t understand or know how to accommodate my need to root-down and create peace and equanimity within. He doesn’t understand why I’m frazzled by his life choices or the way he expresses his opinions. In short, I love him. I need space from him. He was hurt when I presented my recommendation that he stay away for a few months while I settle into my new station and counter-recommended that we call it a break-up.
- I am in my second week of a full-time job that is awesome, truly. I dig and respect my co-workers and especially love training with the woman whom I was brought on to serve. She’s bad-ass, knows her stuff well (has been there 9 years), and is meticulous but also kind and considerate. Both of us are strong, opinionated women who appreciate each other. I landed the ideal position, it seems, with the help of the universe. Note: it’s high stress – tons of phone calls from owners and residents that are stressed and looking for a place to put blame. Thus, my need to de-fuse when I get home. If I am to be successful here, I must give myself plenty of space to unwind and relax soooo….
- I dropped all but three of my yoga classes
- I’m moving on March 1st
- I’m claiming bankruptcy because of the horrible financial crisis I faced when my engine broke down last summer and I had to finance $6k to fix it. That put me over the debt/income ratio and there’s no coming back from it (that on top of having to pay hospital bills for my kidney stone episode – a $3k medical bill catastrophe, and having borrowed money to complete my 500 hour yoga teacher training). I face living my life with no credit, no savings, no retirement accounts. No health insurance, no life insurance, and now no significant other as a means of support. It’s a big, ugly, uncomfortable, shameful, distressing change for me and as it has unrolled this past year, I have become physically ill with the stress of it. I’ve always been financially able to provide for myself, and having to do this has brought me very low. My credit score had never fallen before 700 before this last year. Suddenly, I have a much stronger, poignant compassion for those who have had to claim bankruptcy and live under these conditions.
- I’m taking on a new roommate. New energy to be around. New quirks to understand. Unknown challenges ahead.
So, this is the update on my life. The re-starting of the sharing of my life adventures. I have to choose to be present and content in each moment, to make choices that bring health and wellness in each moment, and to believe that all of this is okay. My life is unfolding exactly as it should.
Change is inevitable, peace is a choice; one I’m working very hard to embody.