humble 49-er

shout out to the 49ers, though I’m no football aficionado.

my 49th birthday was delicious. my dedicated, loving partner treated me most generously to dinner at this lovely place: Italian in Aurora.

over-indulgence has been the thing lately. we shared three deserts instead of buying a birthday cake to eat at home.  i eat too much sugar, smoke too much herb, sleep too much and don’t meditate nearly enough. things have been effecting me. i’m shorter-tempered. i’d thrown two temper-tantrums in the last two weeks; one where i kicked and punched the air as i expressed my extreme displeasure over my partner favoring a male leader who thinks pussy-grabbing’s cool; the other time i kicked the air as i expressed my displeasure about my partner stepping in the way of my creativity. he asked that i refrain from any further demonstrations of this sort on Sunday and it took me until last night to recognize the fact that i’d been skipping meditation lately.

in fact, it took me showing up in Santosh’s class yesterday to realize last night that my crappy attitudes and feelings were related to my lack of meditation. when my dear teacher started class yesterday morning, he sat on his cushion and reminded us lovingly  that asana is a minimal part of a yoga practice – that the majority of it happens on a meditation cushion in total silence. i’d brought my journal to capture any inspiration he brought me in class and after class i completely forgot my journal in the yoga studio. i left it behind. for anyone to open and read. that absent-mindedness is a manifestation of my over-indulgence and lack of meditation. last night, i couldn’t sleep because i was pissed at myself. every time i got close to sleeping, something would wake me. after three or four such irritations, i threw yet another tantrum where i exploded out of bed, yanking the blankets away in fury.

so, here i am, owning it. realizing where my shit is not together. sat on my cushion this morning and did a short chant, 108 rounds of mantra, 25 minutes of silent mindful meditation, and a short journal session. it was a good re-start, but not enough. if there’s anything important at all about being 49 for me, it’s that i should meditate more. i should let go of my thoughts more and not think that each one is important. i should not cling to ego. i should absolutely, without a doubt, stay in a place of love, gratitude, and clear vision: both inner and out.

a 38 year old friend of mine pointed out out to me on her birthday yesterday that my talking to her about spirituality puts pressure on her and she, for her birthday, is making an effort to not put so much pressure on herself. i’d sent her a spiritual message for her birthday. i’m proud of her for standing up for herself in an articulate, diplomatic way that laid out some clear boundaries for me. my sharing isn’t super helpful (am i a spiritual bully!?!). my well-meant expressions may put pressure on people. the lessons i learn are for me, and everyone else has their own journey. at 49, i am uber grateful for the people i meet who benefit from my sharing and uber uber grateful to the people who let me know that my sharing is not helpful, and why.


the best of the blessings this birthday? Lya sent me an email to tell me she loves me. i don’t know how she is. i don’t know what’s up with her, but her love is always with me. that’s such a lovely gift.

second best blessing? wrapping up the most intensive, life-changing training sessions i ever did take on – that training is like a tray of gifts that will keep on unraveling like the layers of  an onion. The training took eight months but i will still be learning from those same lessons from Christina Sell until the day i escape my skin and then… maybe even longer…

but for now i’m blessed to be a humble 49-er, breathing and well-ish; full of gratitude for the journey –  all of it.

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