Anger. And Sorrow.

So maybe my blog is just a venting ground. I vent my gratitude when it’s strong. I vent my anger. Here it is. I want to share in this way:

This morning I was on Facebook and saw the above image posted on a friend’s timeline. I was moved and wrote the following but did not post it on FB:

Just want to chime in. Anger not only motivates me, I often find myself acting in it without really making the choice to do so. Example: Yesterday, a staff member who slacks at work because she’s got too much stuff going on outside of work would not allow me to speak to her about something I wanted her to hear from me (instead of from someone else – we’ve had a big issue in the workplace with people talking crap behind each other’s backs and my effort was made specifically to avoid her feeling like I talk crap about her when she can’t make it to work). Instead of listening to me, she threw what she had in her hands up in the air, and walked away from me, deliberately refusing to hear me. I, apparently, have a major trigger area about not being heard and having people turn their backs on me when I’m speaking. I yelled, “Don’t you make me chase you, because I will” and I chased her. She turned to hit me. I cussed, “Don’t you f-ing hit me, bitch.” I stood ground maybe another 10 seconds before I ran away from the situation, but when I did turn away from it, I immediately quit my job. I was done. I think I probably should’ve been fired for this, but they need me so bad they would never dream of letting me go – which is why the person I was trying to speak to is still there – under any other business model this girl would have been fired months ago. Now that I am detaching myself from this particular form of torment, hopefully, they’ll find someone who is more even-tempered. My anger over being dissed like that is huge, and I couldn’t just take a deep breath and let it go while the anger was burning me. The fact that I have so little control over that anger scares me. I don’t feel safe in the work environment because when I get tired (and the job truly exhausts me) I lose patience and begin to snap like that. Yesterday’s snap was the worst I’ve had in a about 2 weeks when another member of management told me he didn’t care about a detail that was extremely important to me. I almost walked out on the job that day, too. Anger is so intense for me that I am motivated to remove myself from any circumstances that cause it to arise. Anger is so intense for me, that when I experience it suddenly, I take actions that are painful for me and others. I haven’t found compassion yet for yesterday’s situation. I did find compassion for the other member of management who told me he didn’t care. But anger (in my being/body/experience) is the equivalence of passion. Anger is passion. And passion burns hot and furious like flames from volatile gas under pressure before it completely disappears. Not a safe energy from which to operate, but… dear sister, what is your advice to someone who has a tendency to be very fiery and passionate about ‘things being right’ – to someone, like me, who is not in control of their own anger? I am open to your words of wisdom and any of your friends words of wisdom if they wish to respond to these scenarios. I think, in hindsight, I should not have bothered to approach the girl at all, but my intent was truly good in the moment. I was not attacking her, I wanted to share in a kind way.

Instead of posting it to my friend’s wall, I sent it to her in an IM explaining that I didn’t want to litter her wall with my emotional crap (not in those words, but that’s the gist). I’m posting it here, instead. Followed up with this:

If you are interested, you can post it anonymously under your original post and see if anyone responds. Or, you can just ignore it. In this case, i won’t be mad. Just sad. Love you!
PS. After I quit the job, my general manager had a long talk with me and hugged me and told me how much he loves me. And he loves the way I look after our people.  He talked me out of quitting. But as I wrote what I wrote above, I got so upset again, that I just called in to him and told him that I feel my anger still burning and that I’m afraid of coming in today and making things worse, so I’m staying home.
What I haven’t shared, but still need to:
This morning I woke up in the dark. It was before five am. I had to pee. I laid back down and then, I heard the roommate get up and go into the bathroom. He came out a while later, pissed as Hell. He was fuming angry that there’s no hot water. I was in the kitchen prepping for coffee, running the cold water. He ranted and raved a while about how when he comes home from work, there’s no hot water and now, when he wakes in the morning, he can’t take a hot shower. I apologized. Promised to speak to the landlord, tried to appease. Offered to take him to the place where I work so he could shower in a vacant apartment there (out of line!)
He kept up with his grumping which included lots of cussing and loud words – staying in the environment in which he continued his words of anger was making me feel angry. I went into my room and slammed the door, in anger. Called maintenance emergency and listened to a recording that basically let me know that no hot water isn’t an emergency. Left a message on the non-emergency line that I can’t take a hot shower and I’m pissed.  THEN, I wrote the above after seeing my friend’s meme. The emotional upset that my roommate’s upheaval brought for me leads me to believe that I’ll carry that energy into work with me, because after all, I can’t have a hot shower and holy crap, I’m pissed. Now, here’s the best part of all. No shit. FB just pulled up one of those old posts that I posted … years ago. I can’t find it now, but they were Pema’s words reminding me to not run away from that which frustrates, angers, and disgusts me. The teachings indicate that I need to stay and learn to remain calm. If I run again, the energy comes with me to the next job. It’ll happen all over again, and I’ll keep on having to learn this same lesson. Over and over and maybe lifetimes of over and over. Samsara is my nirvana. I just need to learn to love it because my anger ain’t changing it.
 

1 comment

  1. Staying is the right thing, and learning to control your anger. There is lots of help out there on the topic. You do so much good at your work Sis, I know they appreciate you, and one mistake doesn’t negate that.
    This is definitely a recurring theme for you- better to stay and learn from it! Figuring out your triggers is something you’re already working on- good job!!
    Love you!

    Like

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