So maybe my blog is just a venting ground. I vent my gratitude when it’s strong. I vent my anger. Here it is. I want to share in this way:
This morning I was on Facebook and saw the above image posted on a friend’s timeline. I was moved and wrote the following but did not post it on FB:
Just want to chime in. Anger not only motivates me, I often find myself acting in it without really making the choice to do so. Example: Yesterday, a staff member who slacks at work because she’s got too much stuff going on outside of work would not allow me to speak to her about something I wanted her to hear from me (instead of from someone else – we’ve had a big issue in the workplace with people talking crap behind each other’s backs and my effort was made specifically to avoid her feeling like I talk crap about her when she can’t make it to work). Instead of listening to me, she threw what she had in her hands up in the air, and walked away from me, deliberately refusing to hear me. I, apparently, have a major trigger area about not being heard and having people turn their backs on me when I’m speaking. I yelled, “Don’t you make me chase you, because I will” and I chased her. She turned to hit me. I cussed, “Don’t you f-ing hit me, bitch.” I stood ground maybe another 10 seconds before I ran away from the situation, but when I did turn away from it, I immediately quit my job. I was done. I think I probably should’ve been fired for this, but they need me so bad they would never dream of letting me go – which is why the person I was trying to speak to is still there – under any other business model this girl would have been fired months ago. Now that I am detaching myself from this particular form of torment, hopefully, they’ll find someone who is more even-tempered. My anger over being dissed like that is huge, and I couldn’t just take a deep breath and let it go while the anger was burning me. The fact that I have so little control over that anger scares me. I don’t feel safe in the work environment because when I get tired (and the job truly exhausts me) I lose patience and begin to snap like that. Yesterday’s snap was the worst I’ve had in a about 2 weeks when another member of management told me he didn’t care about a detail that was extremely important to me. I almost walked out on the job that day, too. Anger is so intense for me that I am motivated to remove myself from any circumstances that cause it to arise. Anger is so intense for me, that when I experience it suddenly, I take actions that are painful for me and others. I haven’t found compassion yet for yesterday’s situation. I did find compassion for the other member of management who told me he didn’t care. But anger (in my being/body/experience) is the equivalence of passion. Anger is passion. And passion burns hot and furious like flames from volatile gas under pressure before it completely disappears. Not a safe energy from which to operate, but… dear sister, what is your advice to someone who has a tendency to be very fiery and passionate about ‘things being right’ – to someone, like me, who is not in control of their own anger? I am open to your words of wisdom and any of your friends words of wisdom if they wish to respond to these scenarios. I think, in hindsight, I should not have bothered to approach the girl at all, but my intent was truly good in the moment. I was not attacking her, I wanted to share in a kind way.
Instead of posting it to my friend’s wall, I sent it to her in an IM explaining that I didn’t want to litter her wall with my emotional crap (not in those words, but that’s the gist). I’m posting it here, instead. Followed up with this: