Choices. Every one counts.

I have some choices to make.

I’m living with Mark. He’s mostly really good to me. He’s ok with my flaws and wants me to stay here, living with him. He doesn’t mind driving me to work 4 days a week with a 45 minute commute each way. He picks me up, brings me home, and drives me back the next day. If I were doing this commute via Uber, it would be $14 each way. So, $28 a day just to go to work. He doesn’t make me pay for it.  That’s $112 a week.

I can’t deal with the fact that he’s doing this.

All he does to make a living is drive Uber and Lyft. So, I’m actually an obstacle to his income and a drain on his already limited resources. I don’t feel good about it at all but he never complains about that part of our arrangement. Sure, I pay half the rent as long as I’m able to rent my apartment out to someone else. My current renter, Andrew, has decided to vacate at the end of February so my plan, currently, is to move back into the Denver apartment. Mark is super sad about it. I feel bad for making him sad. However, I really hate the commute. I do not enjoy using his resources to get to and from work. If I live in the Denver apartment, I can walk to work, or bike, or bus in just 15 minutes. Uber from my apartment to work is $5. I can walk to the Shambhala Center. And a week from today, I have a yoga demo “try out” at the Colorado Athletic Club on Monaco which is on my way to and from work. I’m stoked about the idea of being a regular at the Club. It’s a sweet club and I can’t believe I didn’t bother to check it out until just this last week. The indoor pool is bomb, and the yoga studio is so much nicer than any I taught at in Tempe (except Nikki’s studio, miss that beautiful space). I can use the club’s yoga space by myself if there aren’t any classes going on in there, and no one would notice because it’s private and out of the way. Really. Truly. Stoked. Still does not solve the issue of me not having a teacher here. I miss Mary, Josh, Kathy, Danielle, and Jeff. I miss feeling inspired.

Also, I have been applying to excellent career positions with the State of Colorado, the City of Denver, Arapahoe County (the assessor’s office, gosh I’d love that), The University of Colorado, and also with Denver Health and Kaiser Permanente. I just got an email invite to do a digital interview with the University for a position I would love. If I landed such a career, I could probably afford to buy a vehicle and live with Mark and maybe not even sweat it too much if I can’t find someone to sublet the place in Denver. But all these moving pieces are unnerving. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I can’t control it so I need to write about it.

I guess I just did.

I’m terribly excited about a new program that’s starting at the Denver Shambhala Center. It’s on Wednesday nights, so I can get there on time even if I have to walk home from work. That’s promising.

I just did a yoga demo at a nearby fitness center that’s pretty amazing. I love the women there, but they’re disappointed about my limited availability (not enough ‘full-time’ yoga teachers to meet their needs). What’s most disappointing for me is that I’d love to get to work with those women in that facility, but the Uber ride home cost $6. So, if I have to Uber there and back, I’m spending at least half of my earnings on the transportation (and that’s if I keep living with Mark).

Living out here in the country with Mark might be great if money weren’t so tight, I had a car, and I was certain it is what I want. I’m not certain. Being with Mark has meant a lot less physical exercise. A lot more spending on food and beverages – I buy him groceries and meals to compensate for the fact that he’s driving me all the time. I don’t meditate or do yoga nearly enough, and I’m watching television programs that feel like pollution for my mind so that I am compromising (in exchange,  he reads spiritual books with me and occasionally attempts to practice yoga and meditation with me). I’ve had to buy bigger pants sizes because I’m putting on weight from being more sedentary. He gets mad when I want to wake up early, he wants me to stay in bed even when i can’t sleep. He thinks I should be able to control my mind enough to just go back to sleep after my body wakes me at 4:30am. He gets frustrated with the way I do dishes and move in the kitchen, so I feel disenfranchised a lot – disconnected from my ability to prepare food I love. He also keeps the apartment temp at 62 so I’m freezing all the time. I do well at 68. He is more comfortable at 62. I don’t mean to complain, but it’s just not the right match for me. I know it. I care about him. Think he’s awesome in so many ways, but can’t hitch my wagon to his… whatever. At least, not under these circumstances.

I’m justifying and rationalizing with this blog post. I want my space. I want convenient forms of affordable transportation. I want the Shambhala Center within walking distance. I want to teach yoga three times a week. If I’m going to hitch my wagon to someone else’s oxen, I want that someone else to be a strong yogi who started meditating long before they met me. It doesn’t feel right to be partnered with someone who is only doing their yoga and meditation to compromise. It’s a sacrifice. This is why I’m single. This is why I promised abstinence to myself when I came here. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else, didn’t want to get hurt.

I feel a fool. For real. I’m 48 years old and couldn’t see that depending on another human being to commute me an hour and a half a day was going to be too hard for me to handle. I want to beat myself up for being an idiot, but instead, I’m going to end this blog with compassion for Laurie. She doesn’t have a car. She was struggling to survive in a new, freezing climate and along came a warm, friendly, kind, articulate, talented musician Uber driver and Laurie really was entirely grateful for the friendship and the affection, it seemed like a gift from Heaven.

He took care of me during my nightmarish kidney stone afflictions. Sat with me in the hospital ER awaiting the news. He’s come in to work and made friends with the residents and management. He’s helped me in so many ways. Shoot. I’m back to being a jerk. I don’t know how to work this out. Stay with Mark? Stay in Denver? Go to AZ? (Note: ugh, I feel like I’ve explored every possible opportunity there and nothing was right – I feel closer to finding a career right now than I have since I got passed up for that Assistant Manager of Constituent Services in Oro Valley position in 2014) Go to Mass and spend time with family – would Mass have nearly as many career possibilities(?) – realistically, I can’t even afford to live there.

I think I’ll call my dad. He won’t make me feel better about any of this, but it’ll be nice to hear his voice again and know how he’s doing. pexels-photo-339992.jpeg

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