Libraries and Learning to Care (for myself)

The Denver Public Library is amazing. I love the tv programs I can access on it. Well, I accessed once. I’m not sure if I can find my way back through the maze to continue with the series on CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy – fascinating!!). The first couple episodes were thrilling to see. I want to rewatch and fully absorb them. I’m all about trying to figure out how to best handle mental illness, right now. I am absolutely certain I am mentally ill but have not ever been diagnosed. So to learn to love and care for myself, I must learn to love and understand, have compassion for those who have mental illnesses. How to love people through their pain and agony? How to look past all the judgment and just be in love? My work is one huge fucking challenge. I hate myself for the way I bounce off other humans. It’s the first real challenge that I’ve taken on that I’m proud of myself for taking on, but the work is hard. Section 8 Caseworker was so dumb. What was I thinking? Then, a CPA firm where the owners are in a 30 year long affair? Awkward. Uncomfortable. Gross. And my dating the UPS delivery man was really an unintelligent stunt. Then there was the non-profit where I fell hotly in love with my boss, caused him to fall into delusion, and created some nasty dirty yucky drama. I didn’t know how crazy stupid my powers were until that one went down. I didn’t mean to make a mess, I just lusted after a married man and made some stinky karma happen. Really disgusting. In my facility, I never have to worry about lusting after any one or anything – except maybe a heavy, furry, ear-covering hat.

My judgment of self continues to be rotten through to the core. Women in my independent living facility can feel it, see it, somehow sense it on me or through me; my shame and embarrassment for who I am. I had the same feeling in all the yoga studios I attended in Phoenix. Others can sense my impurities and tune me out and turn me off. These women living in an independent living facility are harsh, harsh judges. I hear the things they say about each other. It’s like opening a can of worms from my own mind. We all know Jesus said not to talk about each other. We know it so well. Buddhism offers non-attachment to thoughts and feelings – it’s a helpful practice but I think I am truly lost without my yoga. I do little bits and pieces here and there. Not enough. Never enough focused energy on an actual full practice. I am ailing from this lack more than any other lack in my life.

Our maintenance man offered to let me drive one of his cars today. I explained that I ride my bike because my driving is unsafe for humanity. I’d rather do damage to myself on the bike in the cold than to accidentally plow into someone in weather conditions that are beyond my control. It’s much easier to just tell people that I can’t afford the car or the insurance any more which is only half of the truth, at best. My truths are like pies – many pieces and layers. Sweet Bryan who I gave six months of my life and love to actually wrote this today: “Good Monday morning to you Laurie. I was thinking about how incredibly freezing cold it is and how you’re riding your bike to work every day and it’s kicking my ass thinking about that. If you would be kind enough to text me your VIN number I would love to call my Esurance and see how much it would be to add you to my policy and see how much the difference is and maybe you could possibly afford that so that you don’t freeze your tiny bones to death on the side of the road this winter.” I basically wrote back and told him he did his best for six months, he can stop worrying about my tiny bones now.  There is no part of me that wants that man back in my life. I’m pissed at him. For many reasons. None of them make any sense at all, but it’s enough to make me never want to see him again. On the opposite, totally bizarre and crazy side of that intensity, I invited a different one of my ex’s to relocate to Denver so we can share expenses and look after each other in this last scary phase of life. I have always found this ex’s (really not an ex, more like a close friend that I can occasionally get passionate with) energy and demeanor to be amazingly easy to chill with. The reason I stopped seeing him to be with Bryan was because I wanted a partner that would homestead with me, not an occasional friend to bed. My friend does not have any desire to relocate to Denver or create a partnership with me, which leads me back to either dating or dealing with celibacy which is quite depressing.  Yuck. And Yuck. The self-love movement in my life needs to rally and push a little harder. It’s tough – I have to do so much unraveling after a day at work and today was 9 days in a row of working. Tomorrow, I take a day off. I feel my heart saying, “Slow the heck down, crazy bones.” I keep on pushing.

Upcoming excitement I look forward to?

Having this guy lead a service at the facility I work in on Sunday. He’s a healer. He works (volunteers healing) in the healing room on Thursday nights at this church.

Going to this church with new friend, Jan. Her mom lives in the facility I work in. Jan loves dogs even more than I do and has a very cute cat and dog that she showed me photos of. Jan is awesome. I have some awesome, incredible women that I’m exposed to daily. I am grateful. Mostly though, there’s a lot of eye-rolling over ridiculous accusations and petty criticisms. Jan’s all heart. I dig her for that.

I learned about this hotel the other day. I want my friend who doesn’t want to shack up with me to come up in January for a visit so we can do a Sunday brunch together here. I want to see the opulent display of hoarded wealth garishly displayed in grand holiday lights and fashion.

Figuring out how to get the videos from the library back on my computer.

Installing a hand-held shower head soon.

Maybe trying to manipulate video cameras, editing software, and machines into the budget for a video making lab at the facility. I want to challenge residents to make interesting short clips about themselves and others who reside there and then have public showings on a weekly or monthly basis. Heart-sharing.

END NOTE:

I can’t finish this blog because of the need to connect links (Maybe I’ll link it up later). But man, this link! https://www.facebook.com/3HOFoundation/videos/1944278675589909/

So much more powerfully positive than my self-blasting blog. Bless 3HO!!

 

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