Pain and Dismay: my tribal connections

I experienced day two of OM at my new life station (OM= office management). Yes, i am totally identifying with my new work which is about being there for others. Again, i lack boundaries and find myself wanting to sacrifice myself as if I’m some new age savior. I am wholeheartedly wanting to give everything i have to give to these senior citizens who represent my new tribe, my adopted elders. I am their protector, their advocate.  I have a whole new crew of bosses. A whole new set of family.  And one of my dear grandfathers is in pain and despair. Worse than i have ever let primordial fear grip me, and it’s terrifying for me to see. However, this is my soul work. I have the rare privilege of seeing and doing it here on earth. I openly admitted to my general manager today that this grandpa was really a big challenge for me. In his panic and despair this morning, he pulled nervously at his eyebrow, stretching the flesh far from the skull with pinching fingers. The visual alone is enough to make me uncomfortable. But the energy underlying is dark hatred of self. He told me he wishes to die. Wants to throw himself in front of a truck. I thought living with Bryan’s extreme anger over his uncontrollable work situation was bad? Dear, silly me. Wake up to reality. This is the stuff i came for. The field is ripe and tons more love for these folks could never be enough. It’s needed like fertilizer on a growing crop and as long as i don’t entangle myself in outside distractions and responsibilities…. As long as i make the time every night to love myself by feeding my nurturing spirit (instead of starving her to feed a significant other’s or distracting myself with shitty television programming or… You know anything but healing and loving myself) i can do this. I can be a part of a loving, caring, dynamic team that takes care of our beloved elders.  But i need to learn more about tenderly caring for another human’s crisis. How to let them melt down without having to fix them and be ok with it? .This 90-something dear man wasn’t always so horribly neurotic, I’m told. He developed a recent UTI and it made him extra bananas. He’s breaking down in a way that does not permit him peace and i want to help him choose peace. It’s my illness trying to cure his illness. Oh so much opportunity to do the practice of finding/cultivating truth and compassion here. I’m really feeling thankful this Thanksgiving. For my health, the health of my beautiful loving family, and the opportunity to learn and grow in serving elders. It is my joy to be subjected to this new set of challenges. I’ll be standing in the face of adversity, at times laughing. At times weeping. Grateful for it all.

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