The last I blogged, I sat in a restaurant to be connected to wi-fi. I spent the evening in that beautiful little rustic cabin right next to the Poudre River. Part of me is still there.
The other part of me is chilling the f out. Seriously. After the mountain let down (there were no positions for me to fill and meditation is not actually mandatory there, which really foiled my dreams – I think subconsciously I fantasized about checklists that proved that every one had done their mandatory meditation time which meant that everyone would be able to sit calmly and patiently with each other to work honestly and openly through issues and thereby generate a perfect work flow within the community – like I saw in the flock of goats that moved as one unit on the mountain-side). My sweet, silly little human ego wants perfect fucking harmony and can’t get it. Whew. Bam. I just hit it. My biggest issue in life might be: Accepting what is.
So, perfect harmony does not exist on the inside. Not on the outside, either. I must BE the peace I seek. Back to the discipline. And truth: no yoga since last Monday morning, was it? I did like five minutes worth on Bridget’s floor the day before yesterday, or maybe the day before that. Tomorrow, I will either go to CorePower Yoga or Kindness Yoga. I can’t decide which, I’ll see how I feel in the morning – both are two blocks walking distance. After class, I’ll get to meet the people who participate and contribute to the Denver Shambhala Community. It’s about a 20 minute drive from here.
Job-wise, I have an interview Monday at an apartment complex that I toured on Friday. I love the complex, it looks like something from Shelburne, VT where I lived back in 1985 for a short while. It evokes feelings of familiarity and comfort and is close to a hospital. There’s my ego being pulled by comfort and nostalgia and a sense of security with a hospital near by. I hope to rent where-ever I work so that I will not have to commute in the snow. However, if it seems as though the manager does not like me as a candidate for her opening (or vice versa), I have other options I am strongly considering the benefits of. It would not pay as much as I would like to earn, this other option, but I would learn the skill of being a barista and would tend to a historic home that serves as a cafe – it happens to sit smack dab in the middle of three different colleges – this would be an excellent opportunity for networking to find a job with the state once I’ve established my residency. I love education. I love helping people. Surely, being here now means trusting that this will all unfold in the order it needs to and that I will know during Monday’s interview what the right move is.
I am so freaking grateful that I have people in Denver who care enough and are kind enough to provide me with a warm, safe place to sleep and rest my weary head. This sweet one bedroom that I’m staying in could not be more perfect. After I’d gotten my entire car unloaded last night, I wanted to weep with gratitude for the feeling of “landing” in a place that was laid out perfectly for me to be able to unwind and let go of the stress. I feel the inadequacy of my own expression of gratitude here.
What stress have I had? The phone I rely very heavily on to find my way to and from places continues to die on me. I have to charge it continuously and if I stop for gas, the charge stops and the phone dies and then I’m lost. In Lakewood, or Fort Collins, or Lyons. Today, I looked at the map so I could find the grocery store, then left my phone behind to charge. When I walked the route I thought I memorized, I did not find the grocery store. I had to retrace my steps and go North instead of South, but it was a good exercise in learning to navigate the area better.
I am grateful that I chose excellent, healthy food to fill my body with today. My cold is beginning to subside, again. I spent hours listening to (filling my mind with) Pema Chodron’s Three Commitments, Alan Watt’s You Tube Mix, and Ram Dass’ talk on spirituality mixed with sexuality. That was a cool find. Seems like a timely find, too. Bryan is in Vegas visiting his children and he sent me such a sweet, loving message the other day that I invited him to come get a hug in Colorado before returning to Arizona. I know without his saying the words he won’t. He’ll go back to Arizona and find a new job, hopefully one that doesn’t destroy him with stress. He told me he’s meditating on his own without me and that he created a special spot to do that within the house. I felt confused about whether he’s trying to let me know I can work it out with him, or if he’s just letting me know that he benefited from the experience of living with me for six months. I miss him. I miss juicing with him, I miss biking with him, I miss his playing loud music to get ready to in the morning. I miss his joy, I miss his sweetness. I miss his incredible omelets and his sweet doggie Bella, too. I don’t miss the stress, the constant change, or the overwhelming sensation that I just can’t keep up with him or that I only could see like 3% of what’s really going on with him in any given day because he moves that fast. Sad to accept that kind of truth, but there it is. Reminds me of that saying, “If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.” I found this complex today. It could be my porch.
So, onward we go. Day by day through our Earth journeys. Some days kicking ass. Other days, just resting. Healing. Slowing down. Taking it easy. Breathing… and facing difficulty with as much grace and calmness as possible. Sticking with the discipline and staying committed to my own health and well-being. Not hating myself for not having a perfect life, but loving the fact that I get to experience life on Earth. Imperfect as it is.